Lessons I learned this week

Respect cannot be forced, it has to be earned.

Power is a drug most ppl are addicted to

Can faith be forced?

What happens when something is shoved down your throat. ... what happens when several things are shoved down your throat at once from different directions?

What happens when rising dread and despair threaten to swallow you whole?

For the first time ever, I wished to be leading a low other then my own. I abhor my compromises and choices that much.
At what point does a dream become a burden and when it had become a burden so you still cherish it when it comes true. 

If I ever have this baby, will I be able to love it or will all this anger and hatred turn even that sour

The expectation of expectation

It is in the nature of expectations to lead to disappointment.  Yet as humans we expect things, we expect people to love us and we expect the weather to cooperate and sometimes we even expect that the experiment we ate creating in the kitchen will turn out well.

We get disappointed sometimes even disillusioned yet we shake it off and on expect something else off someone else. . sometimes we expect to be disappointed yet why is it that we never stop expecting?

Egos and relationships

Siblings drift apart.  This little piece of knowledge has been subconsciously ingrained in me as a child.  My Hope my siblings and I never drift apart.

My prayer, even if we drift apart we never fall apart as a family and turn our backs on each other.

We came close, a few years ago when my sister announced she was  done being my sister.  It was not a melodramatic announcement and we stayed away for a few months testily finding our way back.  We found it though and as much as we yell fight scream we love each other.

My brother on the other hand used the phrase "it was a personal attack on me" recently which shook me a bit.

See we have always been a loud expressive Indian family.  We yell when we are upset and shout lower when we are not. As much as I hate it my siblings regularly use words like dumbass to refer to each other, it's their grabs of love I guess.

Then how did my little brother suddenly become so big that his sister was personally attacking him.

Did we as older patronizing siblings suddenly lose sight of the fact that he was an adult? The bigger question nagging me is that were these even his words?

The relationships forged in blood and nurtured in love are falling apart again and this time ego is a bigger culprit which might drive a crack permanently in.

Is not love, it's not money is really just egoes that blind us so we can no longer hear or hearts that tell us otherwise.  It's when we stop listening to our hearts that our relationships disintegrate.

When did your bossy older sister arguing with your for your own good turn into a personal attack? When did you outgrow your relationships?

Joy and Loss

I now know three people that are pregnant.  One of my close friends had told me an old wives tale. .three pregnancies always end in trouble.

Two of them are due in December.  The third was a molar pregnancy that ended recently unfortunately.

I am happy for my friend a who isn't sure she is ready to be a mother.  This is her second chance at motherhood and she is taking her pregnancy one day at a time.

My friend m, was overjoyed and I blogged me reaction earlier in human nature.  I am happy for her but done things she said did rub me the wrong way.  Shew is familiar with my own journey riddled with obstacles.

Until I found about my friend N's loss I didn't even know she and get husband wanted kids.  I want to be there for her, share my own journey, my own loss, discuss the grief.  However I know she isn't ready and may never be ready.

I never know why Indian culture puts such a taboo on discussing our losses. Why do you Indian women feel reassigned to suffer alone in silence.  If we only talked about it we would know  miscarraiges ate now common then we think and chances are someone else in the room had them.

Until the bew Indian wife talked about her trips to the fertility dr, I his that In shame too thinking I was alone in that.  Why?

Hopefully my myomectomy can be done  laprascopically and I will be ready in a few months to try and journey again. I will be ready to try and become a mother again and hope that the burden of my journey doesn't cause me to smother my future child with undue expectations

Human nature

I know three people that are pregnant, great girls that I am genuinely happy for.  Yet when it comes time to participate in their happiness, discuss their pregnancy with them I find my enthusiasm faltering a bit.

I am happy for them but I mix it with my unhappiness for myself.  The loss I faced, the void I continue to experience.  I hate shopping for baby showers and I feel like I am a terrible person to compare my void with their lack of.

I am not wishing my fate on them.  Two of three also experienced loss and miscarried.  I just wish I could change my fate.

I wonder though, do I crave motherhood truly or because it is something that was denied to me?

My little corner of Mumbai

Like a lot of people, my family has lived in the same "flat" in mumbai for fifty years. Generations and celebrations all took place there. it's also our little corner in a busy fast moving city.

a place I know well, I know the best bhel puri wala and the best time to hear the waves lap. I realized just how well when even after years of being gone, every visit store keepers world recognize me, and I could fall into the easy routine I grew up in.

it's the home I grew up in, the home all my happy memories are in. I can rarely think of bad things that happened there.

my parents are thinking of moving and have a perfect candidate. logically I know the new flat is better yet I can't adjust to the idea of not calling my little corner of mumbai home anymore.

Lesson in volatile

I clearly remember a time in third grade, it was the last day to turn in a permission slip for a picnic.I was.really excited about going but I forgot my slip at home.

I didn't like my teacher specially when she said everyone but me could go.

my point? that was one of the first times I remember feeling helpless and desperate. I realy wanted something and it was now out of my reach. I remember.....

this month was my last chance to become pregnant, maybe stay pregnant before the damn myomectomy. I realized the last few days have been drenched in the same dreadful feeling of helplessness and rising desperation.

there is something abour this surgery that I cannot reconcile with. the logical side of me knows its good for me but the rest of me dreads it. its not my first rodeo, not my first surgery then why does this affect me so?

you take the desperation to become pregnant, you add the helplessness at not being able to, stir it with dread over the surgery and sprinkle some  unspoken pressure leaving you with a very volatile version of yourself.

don't you feel stupid

that is what I have royall myself every month. from ovulation my anticipation builds for the next two weeks.I analyze every symptom, convince myself on some level that I m pregnant while outwardly trying to tel myself I m not.

then the damn cramps begin and the house of cards collapses, I hug that mini container of ben and jerry to commiserate.

not like with pcos I can eat more.

I feel like god really gave me the jackpot on all problems of fertility.

hard to get pregnant with pcos

hard to stay pregnant probably due to fibroids

like it or not myomectomy here I come, only so long I can close my eyes and hope just this once god will let it slide.

will god ? considering that I angrily threw a tantrum  when I miscarried and turned my back to god.I have slowly found my way back because I have begun to forgive myself.

I an not religious, I dont follow the rituals if my religion or my husband but I go believe in karma and being a good person, yet my karma punishes me.

I m not sure myomectomy is the answer but since we are flinging stuff at the wall hoping it sticks, here is one more procedure

the hardest part is waiting

I m a normally patient person but I have no patience for surprises.

I read mysteries but spend my entire time speculating about the end. my husband gets mad about watching suspense movies because I keep guessing and inevitably get something right.

then how can I be patient every month from ovulation to period and wait.

I  dont

I analyze everything, I google five times a day whether this could be a symptom or not out how early it starts even though by now I have everything memorized.

I agonize every month just as I am this month. one more week and despite all hopes no chances are I m not pregnant yet I cannot stop hoping and tormenting myself

Failure

It struck me yesterday as I was doing dishes that the first anniversary of my second miscarrisge had come and gone. I had scarce given it much of a thought. I panicked and tried hard to remember the exact date but couldn't. it was sometime on feb

my first miscarriage, I remember in great detail. I remember the date, the feelings. my cousin texted me that morning that their baby girl was just born. I was happy and hopeful that if after several miscarriage and a stillborn they saw this day I would too.

I was worried that I was about to screw up big time. the doctor had insisted the foetus was dead and I needed a d& c, yet I kept asking if I was doing the right thing.

I remember everything yet when it came to my second miscarrisge I forgot.  it certainly didnt hurt any lesser, I remember the wail that erupted from me when I tried to tell my mother. if anything the second one was worse. the first could have been a fluke, something that happened to most women. the second one heralded the possibility of a failure.

the one role I had prepared myself to play all my life, the one role I had dreamed about, planned about, the one role of motherhood was suddenly inching away  from me.

the second miscarriage and yet I forgot, how could I?

why not a discussion board

one of the questions I asked myself is why talk in an empty room aka this blog. why not goto a discussion board to share my feelings, I have visited then looking for answers. I visited those boards during my first miscarriage, after it, during my many tests and procedures.

I found comfort knowing I m not the only one but honestly those boards are intimidating. mostly because they have their own language, I mean ask those acronyms, I dont know what it means

also because of fear, for a long time after my miscarriage I was obsessed with getting pregnant again. every waking thought was to prove to myself that my biggest fear.wasnt about to come true and my life' s biggest dream wasn't going to shatter. I fight even now to not let it become an obsession, those boards they will fuel it.

I planned the rest of my life around motherhood. God and fate are teaching me again the better lesson that the best plans in life fail,.backup plans fade. sometimes somethings you just can't control, this is one of those times in life

Which medium

Technology changes so rapidly, I cannot service whether I want to blog again or use twitter.
I am not sure I can fit my words into such a tiny medium. hmmm

Return to the blog world

It has been almost five years to date since I shut my previous blog as I busied myself with my new life as a new wife. There were new awaiting me and I thought I had outgrown the need to have a voice here. As an Indian with American literally sprinkled into my upbringing, I embraced the challenges of Indian cooking in a busy American life. I journeyed from miss to Mrs sometimes reluctantly, sometimes joyously and sometimes rebelling, sometimes fighting but mostly lovingly. I expected this journey to be hard.. I always knew the next step was motherhood, what I didn't expect was, this journey would be so hard maybe even beyond my reach. Two years, two miscarriages , several visits to drs, procedures, unheard prayers later. I have returned to my favourite medium of blogging hoping to find my voice, maintain my sanity, discover my courage to Jeep going and maybe even share my experiences with the world. God knows I have done my share of googling wondering if I m alone. I have turned to friends and leaned on my husband, faced the dreaded Indian society where they wonder when there will be a child even a stranger in a subway wanted to know. So here I m, miss to Mrs with a ? On mom