Monday, November 10, 2014

The cost of infertility

I have been thinking about the cost of infertility lately, and thinking about doing a series of posts on that topic.

This is not the monetary cost, but the price I paid physically, mentally, emotionally sometimes even socially. I have never really quantified all the things I have lost or given up in my quest to have a baby.

The first and foremost thing I feel like I have lost is "Me". The last 4 years I have been obsessed with trying to conceive. Initially, when we got pregnant within 4 months of trying, I was relieved, but then we miscarried. I kept thinking, never mind, it will happen again and quickly. It didnt and my obsession nearly tore me apart for I wanted to "fix" what I perceived was broken within me.

I have been soo focused on getting pregnant that if I take a brief pause, I realize that it is all I have focused on.

I have lost myself and my identity which I now simply do often define as an Inhospitable Womb or "broken".
 I have lost my ability to like myself.
I have lost my health as the pounds pile on.
I feel like somewhere on this journey, I have lost myself. I know its not the first time that I have come to this realization but I have somehow failed to do anything about it.

I dont recognize the tired looking face that looks back at me in the mirror, most days. If its not a tired face, its a bloated and swollen face.

The #1 thing that infertility has cost me is my relationship with myself. I am not sure if I will ever have the courage to look for myself again, to like myself again regardless of the outcome of this journey. I hope I do, I hope I can