Thursday, April 17, 2014

My entire journey

I am not sure if i have ever sat down and outlined my entire journey with trying to conceive and trying to become a mom. Its been an emotional roller coaster every step of the way, that is for sure. We started trying to conceive during the summer of 2010, we had our first successful pregnancy test in September 2010. I was naive thinking that miscarriages happen but surely not to me. Every doctors appointment was a roller coaster of emotions. The first appointment there wasnt anything on the ultrasound, ectopic chemical words were thrown about I didn't understand. I googled, I self educated and I waited a week for my next appointment. We had a sac, we were thrilled, but my progesterone was too low and the supplements started. Week 7 a low heartbeat maybe it would become stronger, maybe it wouldnt. It didnt. I remember it crystal, November 7th we were told no heartbeat, I insisted on a second look which happened November 11th, still nothing. I felt like that tech didnt even try to placate me. November 12th, 2 days after Diwali and a day before my husband's birthday, I was getting a D&C. Right before the D&C I got a text that my cousin in Australia had a baby girl that day. Something I couldnt even properly digest. Unfortunately, event today when I think of that family, my first thought is that she was born the day my baby died. I named that baby Anamika, I dont know if it was a girl or a boy. Anamika means nameless, unknown. that is what that baby will be for me. I am kinda grateful to the tech who printed a picture out for me, I still have it. I was told miscarriages happen, I was told just try again. That was my intention but 2011 was rough. My husband and I dealt with the loss differently, and we drifted apart. The stress of it all and my refusal to cope properly meant I only had 4 periods all through the year of 2011. I went back to my ob-gyn who referred me to Infertility Specialist #1. A cervical biopsy and a hysterosalpinogram later he thought I had a polyp. He also assumed (no tests were done) that I had PCOS and put me on 4 pills of metformin a day. It was hell, I was dizzy constantly and thought I would pass out but I figured I should brave it for the sake of a future baby. I got pregnant accidentally and miscarried at 5 weeks. Infertility Specialist #1 was furious (which I didnt appreciate). He wantedme to have a hysteroscopy done to remove the polyp and during the time if he thought my fibroids were an issue, he would do a myomectomy. I was uncomfortable and wanted them done seperately, so I could plan my life which made him unhappy. The pressure made me nervous and I walked out of there never to return. My ob-gyn did the hysteroscopy and found no polyps but he did recommend an immediate myomectomy. I waivered, I faltered, I wanted it done laproscopically and couldnt find a dr to do it. By now we were well into 2012. September of 2012 I was taken sick with a fever of 103 (about september 10th) lasted 2.5 months. As inexplicably as it began, it went away. In the meantime, I lost 15 pounds, was sick daily and drs kept ruling out diseases without being able to understand what I actually was sick with. I got better and the fever never returned. 2013 - I finally found Infertility Specialist #2 He was also a very well known Laproscopic surgeon who was willing to do my myomectomy laprascopically. Several more procedures, tests and a 4 hour MRI later, I had my myomectomy. The myomectomy gave me the gift of a hematoma. Its been shrinking about 10% every month since october of 2013 but still has a long ways to go. Infertility Specialist #2 also said my thyroid levels were 3.5 and he wanted them below 2.5 so I am on 88mg of cinthroid daily. I also have a clotting disorder which makes it 60% more likely that I will miscarry hence I am on baby aspirin and lovanox (daily when i am trying) My progesterone levels are always questionable hence 150 mg of clomid (which gives me multiple follicles each month) and 400 mg of prometrium daily. Add in some supplements, pre-natals and metanx (that smells like fish, gross) and we round out my routine. I did get pregnant April of 2014 for a third time but the numbers didnt go up as they were supposed to and nothing on the ultrasound so miscarriage is imminent. At least this time I hope that it will be less than 2 years before I become pregnant again, and I hope that I will stay pregnant. I am 33 years old and I know my time is starting to run out for a healthy pregnancy but I have faith and hence I picked my moniker to be Astha which means faith.