Friday, April 19, 2013

don't you feel stupid

that is what I have royall myself every month. from ovulation my anticipation builds for the next two weeks.I analyze every symptom, convince myself on some level that I m pregnant while outwardly trying to tel myself I m not.

then the damn cramps begin and the house of cards collapses, I hug that mini container of ben and jerry to commiserate.

not like with pcos I can eat more.

I feel like god really gave me the jackpot on all problems of fertility.

hard to get pregnant with pcos

hard to stay pregnant probably due to fibroids

like it or not myomectomy here I come, only so long I can close my eyes and hope just this once god will let it slide.

will god ? considering that I angrily threw a tantrum  when I miscarried and turned my back to god.I have slowly found my way back because I have begun to forgive myself.

I an not religious, I dont follow the rituals if my religion or my husband but I go believe in karma and being a good person, yet my karma punishes me.

I m not sure myomectomy is the answer but since we are flinging stuff at the wall hoping it sticks, here is one more procedure

Friday, April 12, 2013

the hardest part is waiting

I m a normally patient person but I have no patience for surprises.

I read mysteries but spend my entire time speculating about the end. my husband gets mad about watching suspense movies because I keep guessing and inevitably get something right.

then how can I be patient every month from ovulation to period and wait.

I  dont

I analyze everything, I google five times a day whether this could be a symptom or not out how early it starts even though by now I have everything memorized.

I agonize every month just as I am this month. one more week and despite all hopes no chances are I m not pregnant yet I cannot stop hoping and tormenting myself