I know three people that are pregnant, great girls that I am genuinely happy for. Yet when it comes time to participate in their happiness, discuss their pregnancy with them I find my enthusiasm faltering a bit.
I am happy for them but I mix it with my unhappiness for myself. The loss I faced, the void I continue to experience. I hate shopping for baby showers and I feel like I am a terrible person to compare my void with their lack of.
I am not wishing my fate on them. Two of three also experienced loss and miscarried. I just wish I could change my fate.
I wonder though, do I crave motherhood truly or because it is something that was denied to me?