Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Raging Whoremones

Raging Whoremones (As Dreaming of Rainbows often refers to it). Well they are raging.

I know that 150 mg of clomid always has adverse effects on me in terms of my emotions. Before I thought I was losing my mind but then in March I had asked my nurse a very important question when she called to tell me that my estrogen came back at 1025, "What is the normal range?"

She said well, the normal range is like 200 but since u have multiple follicles, this is expected. Normally most people would have an estrogen level around 200, mine was 5 times that. Great fabulous!!

Estrogen makes me weepy, I cry and I am always afraid that my marriage is falling apart even though most days, most other days I know its not. 

Progesterone, makes me angry. My progesterone levels between the supplements and the high dose of clomid come back at a whopping 87. Normal is like 15, for me not on clomid my progesterone is single digits. Boy does it make me angry. 

so in review this is my ttc cycle

When on Clomid- Loopy and Dizzy
Post Clomid on Estrogen high - Weepy and exaggerated sensitivity
Progesterone High - There is only two levels Livid and slightly angry that I exist in

In case ure wondering I am currently in my weepy place. DH always forgets, it always catches him blindsided and yes I am choking up at the thought that he cant remember something that to me seems so simple.

Yes knowing my whoremones are making me cry or range uncontrollably and being able to stop it before it starts is two different things completely.

Yes I am saying this after I had a complete meltdown over 16 hours because DH didnt understand what was upsetting me. With hindsight "slight" over reaction, but that doesnt mean I can stop the next meltdown. Was it justified? yes but my normal reaction would have been mild irritation or being miffed, not, well you know, apocalyptic meltdown.

Monday, July 28, 2014

As predicted.. a Disaster

As I had predicted, my hysterosonogram was a disaster.

I did try to pump up my mood and thought I was being silly, so when I got there I was more relaxed and less agitated.

Everything was going smoothly, the doctor attempted to get the catheter in, all good, nope bad picture lets try again...

4 tries, with the speculum catheter (with and without balloon) and another instrument all going in all coming out..4 bunches of nothing. EXCEPT a whole lot of pain, yep at one point the pain/clomid gave me a dizzy spell and I fervently hoped that this entire debacle wouldnt be made worse by me passing out.

My Inhospitable Womb decided not to welcome even the saline, no picture.

Yep except this time my dr told me it wasnt my fault (and I even double checked with him  since in the past other drs told me it was something I was doing or not doing). 

He wants to do a hysteroscopy. I had asked several times before the procedure what it was they were looking for. He told me they like to make sure after a d&c or miscarriage that there isn't scar tissue. 

When he said hysteroscopy, a voice inside me cried out in relief, "So this cycle of clomid is cancelled then?" 

Turns out no, they are willing to wait it out and if i dont get pregnant, they will do the hysteroscopy next cycle.

This is just further proof in my irrational head, (or maybe I am being rational for the first time) that this cycle is doomed, nothing good is going to come from it. All the signs are there

I am convinced that this cycle wont end well either with a BFN or a miscarriage, but I am going to try and pull myself up out of this melancholy sense of doom and compartmentalize my infertility so it no longer overshadows everything (and I m not a complete doomsday naysayer on twitter).

Effing Fears

This weekend was a lot of thinking, realizing and maybe dealing with some of the harsh truths.

When I miscarried at the end of April, soon after my grandma passed away, I didnt really cry for either of them. I felt numb and incapable of shedding any tears. I thought I had become too desensitized to really deal with loss. Soon after I was focused intently on milestones, on my hcg becoming 0 and then having a cycle, the appointment with RE, you name it, I focused on it.

It wasnt until this weekend that I realized just how broken I have been. I was serene and calm during the last Clomid cycle, because somewhere inside me I had faith. I had faith they had fixed everything with me, the Lovanox shots, the thyroid meds, my body wouldnt betray me. So much so that at the time, my moniker online was Astha, the hindi word for Faith. I just had so much of it.

This time around, I just feel pure fear. I am inadvertently horrified of getting pregnant and miscarrying again. I hope that I wont and its reflected in when I figure out my due date etc but I don't really believe that hope. I keep thinking on a daily basis that my cycle will get cancelled, hoping even so I dont have to go through with miscarrying again. In my thoughts, its never getting pregnant, or becoming pregnant, just miscarrying again.

On a different note, I go in for my Hysterosonogram today, without DH since he really cant make it today. I am kinda antsy and very much nervous because of my history with the procedure. My first was a hysterosalpinogram with my 1st infertility dr and he was a jerk. The procedure was painful and he kept yelling at the nurses that I was not co-operating and they should make me. I was awake, I was right there. It was also my first procedure beyond an ultrasound and one of the first visits to an infertility clinic so my emotions were running high.

The second time, my hysterosonogram with my current dr was to map out my fibroids. EPIC disaster in that the fibroids were so big that he couldnt even do the procedure and I had to get an MRI instead. 

I just associate a foul taste in my mouth when it comes to this procedure now. Ech but its gotta be done so here goes nothing.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Focusing on Concentration

I am focusing on concentration or concentrating on focusing, not sure which is which anymore.

One of the gifts of Clomid is usually the increasing inability of my mind to focus. My thoughts are fleeting and sometimes just beyond my ability to grasp that thought or hold on to it. 

I have had the gift/curse of being clomid free for 2 months now and its very apparent after 2 days on clomid, what its doing to me.

I am second guessing everything I do or write (even on blogs or twitter) because I am not sure it makes sense or is the right thing to say or ....

I often draw a blank, I forget my thought mid-thought or is it mid-sentence?

I am also confused about the most obvious decisions, yesterday I stood pondering over my stove at what I wanted to cook and if I really wanted to cook that. (I plan my meals ahead usually so I dont have to do just that).

I miss being able to think clearly, I miss being able to trust my thoughts.

I am also all over the place on ideas, one minute I want to use mod podge (never tried it before) and another I want to use stencils and paint up all my containers. I have probably thought of 17 projects today and deep down realistically (while I can still think a little bit) I know that I may never do a single one of them.

Its also apparent to my colleagues (from whom I thought I could hide my clomid use this time around) that I am back on clomid. My tells? I asked them.

- Constant headaches
-Mood swings about food, one minute I want it one minute I dont. Fries for instant, ehh not tasting as good as they would normally.
-Not being able to finish thoughts or being all over the place and constantly interrupting conversations with things that are VERY much off topic.

Finally the TILTED VISION & dizziness & hot flashes which usually doesnt happen so early but usually after day 3 or day 4 of clomid. I still have that joy to look forward to.

I think this blog entry makes sense, at least to me, not sure if its all over the place like my thoughts.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

A twinge of something

There have been a host of  BFPs in the twitterverse lately. A lot of lovely and very deserving women are either getting pregnant or making it to the second trimester.

I am genuinely thrilled for all of them, excited even. However at the end of each day surrounded by the throng of good news, I find myself feeling a twinge of something.

Initially I assumed its regret that I am not one of those thrilled individuals with a BFP or heck even had the joy of listening to heartbeats.

I also assumed its frustration that I am still sitting on the bench unable to at least get my head in the game and try again. If I cant try, I cant be joyously announcing a BFP right?

I have since decided that its not regret and its not frustration, its very realistically fear.

I am fearful I will not be announcing a BFP soon
I am fearful I will never make it to the heartbeat stage
I am fearful that I will miscarry again
I am also fearful that I will be left standing alone and lose my newfound support as everyone moves on.

I try hard not to focus on the negative and fears though.

I hope that I have a BFP soon
I hope I do make it to the heartbeat stage
I hope I never miscarry again

I refuse to let that dark hole consume me, for it will consume me if I let my thoughts go down that road. I have to force the hope and the light else its all just despair.

For now I will continue to let the excitement for others and hope for myself dominate and hope it edges out that twinge of something

Friday, July 11, 2014

Why me?

Yesterday I was watching TV at my parents house and I randomly had a realization, " I am not being punished".

For years now probably I have oscillated back and forth in my thought that "Have I done something to deserve this?" 

As someone who is Jain (my religion) and married to a Hindu, Karma features big in our lives. I have always feared that my infertility is a punishment for some major faux pas I have committed. I have done something to deserve this.

Till Yesterday.

Yesterday I decided that for everyone I know who had Cancer, I thought they were magnificent people whose bodies just failed them. I didn't once think they must have done something to deserve this. For everyone who had Alzheimers or died young in a car crash (I know my fair share of all of the above), I never once thought that their faith deserted them or Karma came back to haunt them or they did something to deserve this. They were good people that just got dealt a bad hand.

So why am I so hard on myself? I have realized that I don't think I am being punished. I have always tried to be a good person to the best of my abilities and I also don't think God is that petty.

I am not being punished.
Its not our stars (astrology and superstition haunt every Indian till you fight it) and it isn't something that I can fix by wearing perfume, or changing my curtains or wearing an amulet.

God doesn't favor an amulet never has never will. You cant cure cancer with it, you wouldn't try so why infertility?

My body has just failed me, its not Cancer or recognized as an ailment but it is one. It is an epic fail on the part of my body.

My unhealthy lifestyle choices are haunting me, perhaps yes. 

I wish I had an explanation of why it is happening to me, or why its happening period. But I dont, it is happening and its unfortunately happening to both of us because of me.

However something that is a biological issue, or a medical one shouldn't turn into a theological angst on my existence, nor a superstitious one or astrological fault of the stars.

I know people will come at me every day but it is up to me to refuse to go down that rabbit hole ever again.