Thursday, October 9, 2014

The scars of infertility

I walked out of my house today and glanced at the car parked on the street outside, I spotted a pretty pink princess on board sign.

I was alone in the car and spontaneously hrmphed. I dont know who the car belonged to but a gamut of emotions ran right through me.

Step 1: I immediately thought it was overboard rather than board
Step 2: I chided myself and my infertile mind that so was most definitely envious
Step 3: I admitted that how do I know I would not put up such a sign if I EVER managed to have a real live baby.
Step 4: I tried to sift through my feelings pre-infertility, post-infertility, denial, envy, longing

Inevitably after thinking about it for an hour I remembered, I am not a girly girl. I have been adamant that my infant baby girl will not be surrounded by all things pink.

Nothing wrong with it..absolutely nothing, its just that I love Blue and have always disliked pinks and reds.

I had shocked my husband when he realized that soon after marriage, I used to plan our nursery. Subtle colors, jungle themed, there was no room for pink or blue.

I remembered that, but not for an hour of anguishing at how bitter infertility had me. It took an hour for me to realize that infertility or not, I would never have a pink princess on board sticker on my car.

That is what infertility does, it messes with your mind. It makes you second guess your motives, and reactions.

I know I am not the person I was when I started this infertility journey. I often wonder about the scars that I ignore or the wounds that fester and never heal. I often wonder whether my judgments and reactions are marred by the ugly reality of infertility or whether I would have still reacted the same way before this journey.

Every experience changes you, for better or for worse and to struggle with something for 4+ years as I have, definitely leaves a mark the size of a sinkhole.