Yesterday I was watching TV at my parents house and I randomly had a realization, " I am not being punished".
For years now probably I have oscillated back and forth in my thought that "Have I done something to deserve this?"
As someone who is Jain (my religion) and married to a Hindu, Karma features big in our lives. I have always feared that my infertility is a punishment for some major faux pas I have committed. I have done something to deserve this.
Yesterday I decided that for everyone I know who had Cancer, I thought they were magnificent people whose bodies just failed them. I didn't once think they must have done something to deserve this. For everyone who had Alzheimers or died young in a car crash (I know my fair share of all of the above), I never once thought that their faith deserted them or Karma came back to haunt them or they did something to deserve this. They were good people that just got dealt a bad hand.
So why am I so hard on myself? I have realized that I don't think I am being punished. I have always tried to be a good person to the best of my abilities and I also don't think God is that petty.
I am not being punished.
Its not our stars (astrology and superstition haunt every Indian till you fight it) and it isn't something that I can fix by wearing perfume, or changing my curtains or wearing an amulet.
God doesn't favor an amulet never has never will. You cant cure cancer with it, you wouldn't try so why infertility?
My body has just failed me, its not Cancer or recognized as an ailment but it is one. It is an epic fail on the part of my body.
My unhealthy lifestyle choices are haunting me, perhaps yes.
I wish I had an explanation of why it is happening to me, or why its happening period. But I dont, it is happening and its unfortunately happening to both of us because of me.
However something that is a biological issue, or a medical one shouldn't turn into a theological angst on my existence, nor a superstitious one or astrological fault of the stars.
I know people will come at me every day but it is up to me to refuse to go down that rabbit hole ever again.