A twinge of something

There have been a host of  BFPs in the twitterverse lately. A lot of lovely and very deserving women are either getting pregnant or making it to the second trimester.

I am genuinely thrilled for all of them, excited even. However at the end of each day surrounded by the throng of good news, I find myself feeling a twinge of something.

Initially I assumed its regret that I am not one of those thrilled individuals with a BFP or heck even had the joy of listening to heartbeats.

I also assumed its frustration that I am still sitting on the bench unable to at least get my head in the game and try again. If I cant try, I cant be joyously announcing a BFP right?

I have since decided that its not regret and its not frustration, its very realistically fear.

I am fearful I will not be announcing a BFP soon
I am fearful I will never make it to the heartbeat stage
I am fearful that I will miscarry again
I am also fearful that I will be left standing alone and lose my newfound support as everyone moves on.

I try hard not to focus on the negative and fears though.

I hope that I have a BFP soon
I hope I do make it to the heartbeat stage
I hope I never miscarry again

I refuse to let that dark hole consume me, for it will consume me if I let my thoughts go down that road. I have to force the hope and the light else its all just despair.

For now I will continue to let the excitement for others and hope for myself dominate and hope it edges out that twinge of something