As I had predicted, my hysterosonogram was a disaster.
I did try to pump up my mood and thought I was being silly, so when I got there I was more relaxed and less agitated.
Everything was going smoothly, the doctor attempted to get the catheter in, all good, nope bad picture lets try again...
4 tries, with the speculum catheter (with and without balloon) and another instrument all going in all coming out..4 bunches of nothing. EXCEPT a whole lot of pain, yep at one point the pain/clomid gave me a dizzy spell and I fervently hoped that this entire debacle wouldnt be made worse by me passing out.
My Inhospitable Womb decided not to welcome even the saline, no picture.
Yep except this time my dr told me it wasnt my fault (and I even double checked with him since in the past other drs told me it was something I was doing or not doing).
He wants to do a hysteroscopy. I had asked several times before the procedure what it was they were looking for. He told me they like to make sure after a d&c or miscarriage that there isn't scar tissue.
When he said hysteroscopy, a voice inside me cried out in relief, "So this cycle of clomid is cancelled then?"
Turns out no, they are willing to wait it out and if i dont get pregnant, they will do the hysteroscopy next cycle.
This is just further proof in my irrational head, (or maybe I am being rational for the first time) that this cycle is doomed, nothing good is going to come from it. All the signs are there
I am convinced that this cycle wont end well either with a BFN or a miscarriage, but I am going to try and pull myself up out of this melancholy sense of doom and compartmentalize my infertility so it no longer overshadows everything (and I m not a complete doomsday naysayer on twitter).