Effing Fears

This weekend was a lot of thinking, realizing and maybe dealing with some of the harsh truths.

When I miscarried at the end of April, soon after my grandma passed away, I didnt really cry for either of them. I felt numb and incapable of shedding any tears. I thought I had become too desensitized to really deal with loss. Soon after I was focused intently on milestones, on my hcg becoming 0 and then having a cycle, the appointment with RE, you name it, I focused on it.

It wasnt until this weekend that I realized just how broken I have been. I was serene and calm during the last Clomid cycle, because somewhere inside me I had faith. I had faith they had fixed everything with me, the Lovanox shots, the thyroid meds, my body wouldnt betray me. So much so that at the time, my moniker online was Astha, the hindi word for Faith. I just had so much of it.

This time around, I just feel pure fear. I am inadvertently horrified of getting pregnant and miscarrying again. I hope that I wont and its reflected in when I figure out my due date etc but I don't really believe that hope. I keep thinking on a daily basis that my cycle will get cancelled, hoping even so I dont have to go through with miscarrying again. In my thoughts, its never getting pregnant, or becoming pregnant, just miscarrying again.

On a different note, I go in for my Hysterosonogram today, without DH since he really cant make it today. I am kinda antsy and very much nervous because of my history with the procedure. My first was a hysterosalpinogram with my 1st infertility dr and he was a jerk. The procedure was painful and he kept yelling at the nurses that I was not co-operating and they should make me. I was awake, I was right there. It was also my first procedure beyond an ultrasound and one of the first visits to an infertility clinic so my emotions were running high.

The second time, my hysterosonogram with my current dr was to map out my fibroids. EPIC disaster in that the fibroids were so big that he couldnt even do the procedure and I had to get an MRI instead. 

I just associate a foul taste in my mouth when it comes to this procedure now. Ech but its gotta be done so here goes nothing.