Wednesday, August 13, 2014

A whole bunch of thoughts

I haven't blogged in a while, partially because its very difficult to write a good blog on the phone and I hate taking up a computer again after I get home from staring at one all day, and partially because I have been too busy or tired or negative and didn't want to spew the negativity on here.

My beta is Monday and I am in a stage of hopeful curiosity with stoic realism. I don't have a good gut feeling this time. I haven't from the beginning.  That doesn't mean I don't inherently wonder if this is the one, if it will still be a BFP. Sometimes it is even for weird reasons like trying to talk DH out of getting a motorcycle or avoiding yet another hysteroscopy.

What is on my mind? It has never escaped me that my beta is a day after Janmashtami (Hindu festival celebrating the birth Krishna.) Apparently Krishna is one of the rare hindu gods worshipped in a childlike form as well as adult. I have been told over and over again by oh so many people that praying to Baby Krishna will give me a baby. My Mother in Law has gifted me 3 Baby Krishnas, over the course of the years, hoping for a grandchild. Sometimes I do believe it and I do pray so hard but most times the cynic in me takes over and I stop praying.

Anyway, prayer is on my mind. My late grandma (the one who passed in April a week before the baby) was in a dream of mine 2 days ago again severely frowning at me and asking me to pray. It was a reminder of my childhood and teen years where she would constantly remind me of the need to pray and I would tell her my prayer is in the form of being a good human being for now. 

I consciously try not to tell people on twitter that I will pray for them. I wish them the absolute best and fervently hope things work out for them but I rarely manage to pray so why promise something I feel I will not keep up.

Even though my gut feeling says negative, I cant help but have a few rays of hope for Monday's beta. My fingers are crossed as I approach monday. I refuse to take  a home test because I know my warped brain will justify any result. A positive, well what if its left over booster trigger, a negative well it could just be early. 

In the meantime I am thinking of all the lovely ladies that have scans this week, particularly Dreaming of Rainbows and A Calm Persistence. (I do feel guilty that I havent done anything about a Calm Persistence's generous blogger award yet, I feel so undeserving with rarely blogging though).

Lately my blogs are all over the place and turn into incoherent rants. But I end it with the sad feeling that I miss the nausea from the trigger shot already. Nausea is always comforting its a sign that things are going the way they are supposed to and I cant help feel disappointed every time it disappears, its a habit now really.

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