The ripple effect

After I miscarried on May 2nd, I shoved my feelings in a hole.  I decided I was going to not make my decisions around the baby.

My appointment for the results of genetic testing was set for today, but I threw caution to the wind and postponed it a week.  I was proud of this new attitude where I could not plan life around what if.

The inevitable happened,  I m on vacation (for which I postponed appointment), and I got AF after miscarriage.

The nurse despite my pleading said the Dr won't let me start clomid till after our appointment.  I m wasting a whole month.

I keep telling myself I wanted to wait 2 months after D&C anyway. I re-iterate to myself that this just gives my hematoma time to heal.  I keep convincing myself that my uterus,  sanity,  body and marriage could use a longer break.

Nothing works though,  for once I threw caution to the wind and extended my stay by a day,  not wondering what if.  That once was a mistake and I lose a month.

I have miscarried thrice,  I don't even know if my inhospitable womb can ever give up its ways but for now I have a week to constantly worry what the results of the genetic testing hold.

Once I threw a pebble in the water,  hoping the ripples wouldn't rock my boat so hard, they did.  That is usually my luck though isn't it?