I started writing a post about the last year and how it went I didn't publish the draft. I couldn't finish it, but I left this unfinished for a while too.
If there is anything the last year has taught me, if there is anything infertility has taught me, it is to take it one step at a time, one day at a time.
There are and always will be days I fall apart, there are and will be days where I flounder and I feel like I cannot go on. Thinking about how long this journey has been or will continue to be, it overwhelms me, so I think about that next step. Sometimes that is all I manage to think about.
If I can just put one foot in front of the other, keep on walking, that should eventually get me there right?
There is no right way to cope with losses, like yesterday it occurred to me that I would be planning for a shower soon with this most recent loss, that the baby was due in December. Of course, then I thought about the one that would have turned 3 in june or 2 in november. It just kinda devolved from there.
This morning as I edit this post and nibble on chocolate, I keep forcing myself to focus on my AF that is going to make an appearance next week, the next big clomid cycle coming up. It is a big one for DH & I went against Drs recommendation of IVF, we are going to have to make a decision soon on how many more clomid cycles.
I cant think about turning 34, or that its been over 4 years of trying to get pregnant. More and more people around me in real life have become mothers, some know my journey, even they dont help. I hear things like " you can never sleep in again" "it is so much work to have babies" "havent watched a movie in ages". I bite my lips and hold that angry retort where I say I would trade it all in without a second thought. What is the point? They are not going to get it, are they?
One step at a time, one day at a time, its the only way I know to make it. So for now, I wait for the next step AF and focus everything on that.