The shadow of gender selection

I was talking to someone in the Billing Department at my Doctor's office regarding the cost of IVF with ICSI and PGD today.

She hesitated before she mentioned that gender selection had an additional cost. I was very quick to defend my actions, I very quickly dismissed the gender selection and pointed out I was considering the procedure due to RPL. Gender of any child I had was definitely never an issue for me.

I have been plagued with guilt ever since for oh so many reasons. I did spend my early years in India and am very much aware of what gender selection and being Indian (even in origin) means.

Background: to those unaware, India has a huge issue of gender selection and female infanticide. The government there has made it illegal to reveal gender of the baby prior to birth due to female infanticide and ppl choosing to aborting the female child. Unfortunately it is still very much prevalent today and more so among the educated then the uneducated.

I have spent countless minutes wondering, if she asked me about gender selection because my name is Indian or am I over reacting. I have spent even more time being sad that this is still an issue in India. 

Some shadows, they always lurk in the cobwebs of the human mind dont they?

To IVF or to Clomid

We met with the Dr today regarding the results of genetic testing after last miscarriage (also my third). 

Brief History: ttc for 4 years now, 3 miscarriages. The third one was while I was on Lovanox and Baby Aspirin for MTFHR, thyroid meds and clomid to conceive. I still have the hematoma from my myomectomy last July but hopefully its going away soon (shrinking every month).

The genetic Testing results - Inconclusive not enough tissue to test (only maternal tissue was found).

The assumption is that this m/c was a result of a genetic abnormality (DH & I were cleared). 25 % of all pregnancies have genetic abnormalities, said the Dr.

The Dr would definitely like another hysterosonogram between CD6 and CD12 and since he was on his way out of the country today (Today is CD9) I am wasting a whole month waiting. I also have to decide by then, how I would like to proceed.

Dr said there were 4 options ahead for us
1) Clomid
2) Gonadotropins
3) IVF
4) IVF with ICSI and PGD 

I really only have to decide between #1 and #4. He recommends #4. DH is all for #4, I am trying to think it through.

Financially, I have enough left on my lifetime infertility benefits to cover 1 round of ivf, but the PGD testing will be another 4 to 5k that isn't covered.

With Clomid I have a higher chance of miscarrying, with IVF (& PGD) they will take the good quality eggs, the good quality embryos (PGD) hence lower chance of miscarrying (at least due to genetic issues).

I guess at the end of the day, I am familiar with Clomid and I know it works (I got pregnant during my 2nd cycle, but we opted for iui to maximize our chances.

I am not familiar with ivf and (the unfamiliar scares me a little). 

However if I were to be honest with myself, If i miscarry on Clomid, I know there is ivf waiting for me. If I miscarry on ivf, I feel like I am out of options.

No one can make the decision for me

Background on why DH is being impatient with me: in Feb 2012 (with my previous infertility dr) I got pregnant in same cycle as a hysterosalpinogram. It was a chemical and I miscarried by week 5. Previous Dr suspected polyps and wanted to do a hysteroscopy/myomectomy in same go. I hesitated went back to my ob/gyn who did the hysteroscopy. He confirmed no polyps but said my fibroids had to go. I asked DH to give me the summer to think about it, and find a dr willing to do laprascopic myomectomy. By fall of 12 I had a mysterious illness that lasted 3 months (Daily fevers of 102-103, night sweats and no diagnosis of what caused it, despite going to 3 drs) Needless to say by the time I recovered from that and found a dr and had the surgery it was July 13. I had wasted well over a year.

The ripple effect

After I miscarried on May 2nd, I shoved my feelings in a hole.  I decided I was going to not make my decisions around the baby.

My appointment for the results of genetic testing was set for today, but I threw caution to the wind and postponed it a week.  I was proud of this new attitude where I could not plan life around what if.

The inevitable happened,  I m on vacation (for which I postponed appointment), and I got AF after miscarriage.

The nurse despite my pleading said the Dr won't let me start clomid till after our appointment.  I m wasting a whole month.

I keep telling myself I wanted to wait 2 months after D&C anyway. I re-iterate to myself that this just gives my hematoma time to heal.  I keep convincing myself that my uterus,  sanity,  body and marriage could use a longer break.

Nothing works though,  for once I threw caution to the wind and extended my stay by a day,  not wondering what if.  That once was a mistake and I lose a month.

I have miscarried thrice,  I don't even know if my inhospitable womb can ever give up its ways but for now I have a week to constantly worry what the results of the genetic testing hold.

Once I threw a pebble in the water,  hoping the ripples wouldn't rock my boat so hard, they did.  That is usually my luck though isn't it?

My entire journey

I am not sure if i have ever sat down and outlined my entire journey with trying to conceive and trying to become a mom. Its been an emotional roller coaster every step of the way, that is for sure. We started trying to conceive during the summer of 2010, we had our first successful pregnancy test in September 2010. I was naive thinking that miscarriages happen but surely not to me. Every doctors appointment was a roller coaster of emotions. The first appointment there wasnt anything on the ultrasound, ectopic chemical words were thrown about I didn't understand. I googled, I self educated and I waited a week for my next appointment. We had a sac, we were thrilled, but my progesterone was too low and the supplements started. Week 7 a low heartbeat maybe it would become stronger, maybe it wouldnt. It didnt. I remember it crystal, November 7th we were told no heartbeat, I insisted on a second look which happened November 11th, still nothing. I felt like that tech didnt even try to placate me. November 12th, 2 days after Diwali and a day before my husband's birthday, I was getting a D&C. Right before the D&C I got a text that my cousin in Australia had a baby girl that day. Something I couldnt even properly digest. Unfortunately, event today when I think of that family, my first thought is that she was born the day my baby died. I named that baby Anamika, I dont know if it was a girl or a boy. Anamika means nameless, unknown. that is what that baby will be for me. I am kinda grateful to the tech who printed a picture out for me, I still have it. I was told miscarriages happen, I was told just try again. That was my intention but 2011 was rough. My husband and I dealt with the loss differently, and we drifted apart. The stress of it all and my refusal to cope properly meant I only had 4 periods all through the year of 2011. I went back to my ob-gyn who referred me to Infertility Specialist #1. A cervical biopsy and a hysterosalpinogram later he thought I had a polyp. He also assumed (no tests were done) that I had PCOS and put me on 4 pills of metformin a day. It was hell, I was dizzy constantly and thought I would pass out but I figured I should brave it for the sake of a future baby. I got pregnant accidentally and miscarried at 5 weeks. Infertility Specialist #1 was furious (which I didnt appreciate). He wantedme to have a hysteroscopy done to remove the polyp and during the time if he thought my fibroids were an issue, he would do a myomectomy. I was uncomfortable and wanted them done seperately, so I could plan my life which made him unhappy. The pressure made me nervous and I walked out of there never to return. My ob-gyn did the hysteroscopy and found no polyps but he did recommend an immediate myomectomy. I waivered, I faltered, I wanted it done laproscopically and couldnt find a dr to do it. By now we were well into 2012. September of 2012 I was taken sick with a fever of 103 (about september 10th) lasted 2.5 months. As inexplicably as it began, it went away. In the meantime, I lost 15 pounds, was sick daily and drs kept ruling out diseases without being able to understand what I actually was sick with. I got better and the fever never returned. 2013 - I finally found Infertility Specialist #2 He was also a very well known Laproscopic surgeon who was willing to do my myomectomy laprascopically. Several more procedures, tests and a 4 hour MRI later, I had my myomectomy. The myomectomy gave me the gift of a hematoma. Its been shrinking about 10% every month since october of 2013 but still has a long ways to go. Infertility Specialist #2 also said my thyroid levels were 3.5 and he wanted them below 2.5 so I am on 88mg of cinthroid daily. I also have a clotting disorder which makes it 60% more likely that I will miscarry hence I am on baby aspirin and lovanox (daily when i am trying) My progesterone levels are always questionable hence 150 mg of clomid (which gives me multiple follicles each month) and 400 mg of prometrium daily. Add in some supplements, pre-natals and metanx (that smells like fish, gross) and we round out my routine. I did get pregnant April of 2014 for a third time but the numbers didnt go up as they were supposed to and nothing on the ultrasound so miscarriage is imminent. At least this time I hope that it will be less than 2 years before I become pregnant again, and I hope that I will stay pregnant. I am 33 years old and I know my time is starting to run out for a healthy pregnancy but I have faith and hence I picked my moniker to be Astha which means faith.

Lessons I learned this week

Respect cannot be forced, it has to be earned.

Power is a drug most ppl are addicted to

Can faith be forced?

What happens when something is shoved down your throat. ... what happens when several things are shoved down your throat at once from different directions?

What happens when rising dread and despair threaten to swallow you whole?

For the first time ever, I wished to be leading a low other then my own. I abhor my compromises and choices that much.
At what point does a dream become a burden and when it had become a burden so you still cherish it when it comes true. 

If I ever have this baby, will I be able to love it or will all this anger and hatred turn even that sour

The expectation of expectation

It is in the nature of expectations to lead to disappointment.  Yet as humans we expect things, we expect people to love us and we expect the weather to cooperate and sometimes we even expect that the experiment we ate creating in the kitchen will turn out well.

We get disappointed sometimes even disillusioned yet we shake it off and on expect something else off someone else. . sometimes we expect to be disappointed yet why is it that we never stop expecting?

Egos and relationships

Siblings drift apart.  This little piece of knowledge has been subconsciously ingrained in me as a child.  My Hope my siblings and I never drift apart.

My prayer, even if we drift apart we never fall apart as a family and turn our backs on each other.

We came close, a few years ago when my sister announced she was  done being my sister.  It was not a melodramatic announcement and we stayed away for a few months testily finding our way back.  We found it though and as much as we yell fight scream we love each other.

My brother on the other hand used the phrase "it was a personal attack on me" recently which shook me a bit.

See we have always been a loud expressive Indian family.  We yell when we are upset and shout lower when we are not. As much as I hate it my siblings regularly use words like dumbass to refer to each other, it's their grabs of love I guess.

Then how did my little brother suddenly become so big that his sister was personally attacking him.

Did we as older patronizing siblings suddenly lose sight of the fact that he was an adult? The bigger question nagging me is that were these even his words?

The relationships forged in blood and nurtured in love are falling apart again and this time ego is a bigger culprit which might drive a crack permanently in.

Is not love, it's not money is really just egoes that blind us so we can no longer hear or hearts that tell us otherwise.  It's when we stop listening to our hearts that our relationships disintegrate.

When did your bossy older sister arguing with your for your own good turn into a personal attack? When did you outgrow your relationships?