Failure

It struck me yesterday as I was doing dishes that the first anniversary of my second miscarrisge had come and gone. I had scarce given it much of a thought. I panicked and tried hard to remember the exact date but couldn't. it was sometime on feb

my first miscarriage, I remember in great detail. I remember the date, the feelings. my cousin texted me that morning that their baby girl was just born. I was happy and hopeful that if after several miscarriage and a stillborn they saw this day I would too.

I was worried that I was about to screw up big time. the doctor had insisted the foetus was dead and I needed a d& c, yet I kept asking if I was doing the right thing.

I remember everything yet when it came to my second miscarrisge I forgot.  it certainly didnt hurt any lesser, I remember the wail that erupted from me when I tried to tell my mother. if anything the second one was worse. the first could have been a fluke, something that happened to most women. the second one heralded the possibility of a failure.

the one role I had prepared myself to play all my life, the one role I had dreamed about, planned about, the one role of motherhood was suddenly inching away  from me.

the second miscarriage and yet I forgot, how could I?

why not a discussion board

one of the questions I asked myself is why talk in an empty room aka this blog. why not goto a discussion board to share my feelings, I have visited then looking for answers. I visited those boards during my first miscarriage, after it, during my many tests and procedures.

I found comfort knowing I m not the only one but honestly those boards are intimidating. mostly because they have their own language, I mean ask those acronyms, I dont know what it means

also because of fear, for a long time after my miscarriage I was obsessed with getting pregnant again. every waking thought was to prove to myself that my biggest fear.wasnt about to come true and my life' s biggest dream wasn't going to shatter. I fight even now to not let it become an obsession, those boards they will fuel it.

I planned the rest of my life around motherhood. God and fate are teaching me again the better lesson that the best plans in life fail,.backup plans fade. sometimes somethings you just can't control, this is one of those times in life

Which medium

Technology changes so rapidly, I cannot service whether I want to blog again or use twitter.
I am not sure I can fit my words into such a tiny medium. hmmm

Return to the blog world

It has been almost five years to date since I shut my previous blog as I busied myself with my new life as a new wife. There were new awaiting me and I thought I had outgrown the need to have a voice here. As an Indian with American literally sprinkled into my upbringing, I embraced the challenges of Indian cooking in a busy American life. I journeyed from miss to Mrs sometimes reluctantly, sometimes joyously and sometimes rebelling, sometimes fighting but mostly lovingly. I expected this journey to be hard.. I always knew the next step was motherhood, what I didn't expect was, this journey would be so hard maybe even beyond my reach. Two years, two miscarriages , several visits to drs, procedures, unheard prayers later. I have returned to my favourite medium of blogging hoping to find my voice, maintain my sanity, discover my courage to Jeep going and maybe even share my experiences with the world. God knows I have done my share of googling wondering if I m alone. I have turned to friends and leaned on my husband, faced the dreaded Indian society where they wonder when there will be a child even a stranger in a subway wanted to know. So here I m, miss to Mrs with a ? On mom