Lessons I learned this week

Respect cannot be forced, it has to be earned.

Power is a drug most ppl are addicted to

Can faith be forced?

What happens when something is shoved down your throat. ... what happens when several things are shoved down your throat at once from different directions?

What happens when rising dread and despair threaten to swallow you whole?

For the first time ever, I wished to be leading a low other then my own. I abhor my compromises and choices that much.
At what point does a dream become a burden and when it had become a burden so you still cherish it when it comes true. 

If I ever have this baby, will I be able to love it or will all this anger and hatred turn even that sour

The expectation of expectation

It is in the nature of expectations to lead to disappointment.  Yet as humans we expect things, we expect people to love us and we expect the weather to cooperate and sometimes we even expect that the experiment we ate creating in the kitchen will turn out well.

We get disappointed sometimes even disillusioned yet we shake it off and on expect something else off someone else. . sometimes we expect to be disappointed yet why is it that we never stop expecting?

Egos and relationships

Siblings drift apart.  This little piece of knowledge has been subconsciously ingrained in me as a child.  My Hope my siblings and I never drift apart.

My prayer, even if we drift apart we never fall apart as a family and turn our backs on each other.

We came close, a few years ago when my sister announced she was  done being my sister.  It was not a melodramatic announcement and we stayed away for a few months testily finding our way back.  We found it though and as much as we yell fight scream we love each other.

My brother on the other hand used the phrase "it was a personal attack on me" recently which shook me a bit.

See we have always been a loud expressive Indian family.  We yell when we are upset and shout lower when we are not. As much as I hate it my siblings regularly use words like dumbass to refer to each other, it's their grabs of love I guess.

Then how did my little brother suddenly become so big that his sister was personally attacking him.

Did we as older patronizing siblings suddenly lose sight of the fact that he was an adult? The bigger question nagging me is that were these even his words?

The relationships forged in blood and nurtured in love are falling apart again and this time ego is a bigger culprit which might drive a crack permanently in.

Is not love, it's not money is really just egoes that blind us so we can no longer hear or hearts that tell us otherwise.  It's when we stop listening to our hearts that our relationships disintegrate.

When did your bossy older sister arguing with your for your own good turn into a personal attack? When did you outgrow your relationships?

Joy and Loss

I now know three people that are pregnant.  One of my close friends had told me an old wives tale. .three pregnancies always end in trouble.

Two of them are due in December.  The third was a molar pregnancy that ended recently unfortunately.

I am happy for my friend a who isn't sure she is ready to be a mother.  This is her second chance at motherhood and she is taking her pregnancy one day at a time.

My friend m, was overjoyed and I blogged me reaction earlier in human nature.  I am happy for her but done things she said did rub me the wrong way.  Shew is familiar with my own journey riddled with obstacles.

Until I found about my friend N's loss I didn't even know she and get husband wanted kids.  I want to be there for her, share my own journey, my own loss, discuss the grief.  However I know she isn't ready and may never be ready.

I never know why Indian culture puts such a taboo on discussing our losses. Why do you Indian women feel reassigned to suffer alone in silence.  If we only talked about it we would know  miscarraiges ate now common then we think and chances are someone else in the room had them.

Until the bew Indian wife talked about her trips to the fertility dr, I his that In shame too thinking I was alone in that.  Why?

Hopefully my myomectomy can be done  laprascopically and I will be ready in a few months to try and journey again. I will be ready to try and become a mother again and hope that the burden of my journey doesn't cause me to smother my future child with undue expectations

Human nature

I know three people that are pregnant, great girls that I am genuinely happy for.  Yet when it comes time to participate in their happiness, discuss their pregnancy with them I find my enthusiasm faltering a bit.

I am happy for them but I mix it with my unhappiness for myself.  The loss I faced, the void I continue to experience.  I hate shopping for baby showers and I feel like I am a terrible person to compare my void with their lack of.

I am not wishing my fate on them.  Two of three also experienced loss and miscarried.  I just wish I could change my fate.

I wonder though, do I crave motherhood truly or because it is something that was denied to me?

My little corner of Mumbai

Like a lot of people, my family has lived in the same "flat" in mumbai for fifty years. Generations and celebrations all took place there. it's also our little corner in a busy fast moving city.

a place I know well, I know the best bhel puri wala and the best time to hear the waves lap. I realized just how well when even after years of being gone, every visit store keepers world recognize me, and I could fall into the easy routine I grew up in.

it's the home I grew up in, the home all my happy memories are in. I can rarely think of bad things that happened there.

my parents are thinking of moving and have a perfect candidate. logically I know the new flat is better yet I can't adjust to the idea of not calling my little corner of mumbai home anymore.

Lesson in volatile

I clearly remember a time in third grade, it was the last day to turn in a permission slip for a picnic.I was.really excited about going but I forgot my slip at home.

I didn't like my teacher specially when she said everyone but me could go.

my point? that was one of the first times I remember feeling helpless and desperate. I realy wanted something and it was now out of my reach. I remember.....

this month was my last chance to become pregnant, maybe stay pregnant before the damn myomectomy. I realized the last few days have been drenched in the same dreadful feeling of helplessness and rising desperation.

there is something abour this surgery that I cannot reconcile with. the logical side of me knows its good for me but the rest of me dreads it. its not my first rodeo, not my first surgery then why does this affect me so?

you take the desperation to become pregnant, you add the helplessness at not being able to, stir it with dread over the surgery and sprinkle some  unspoken pressure leaving you with a very volatile version of yourself.